To Pacific Dark Roast

Pacific Dark Roast,

I definitely thought that you would be darker.  I do not intend to be mean, but I found you flaky and insecure.  There were some hints of a rich, intense flavor, but this was overshadowed by your incompatibilities in other areas.  Traces of yeast essence were evident, as well as herbal notes.  I was not terribly disappointed with your performance, rather I felt that you simply have some areas that need to be worked on.  Try bringing forth more of your flavor and heightening your overall body experience.  Live up to your name and break free of one-dimensionalism.

You can do it,

Me

P.S.  Try pairing up with New England clam chowder soup.

To Jack Daniel's

Jack Daniel's (Old No. 7 Brand),

Well, well, well.  I never thought that I would encounter a coffee that was hazy and lucid at the same time.  A contradiction?  An oxymoron?  You astounded me with your maturity and uncanny ability to meet a variety of my needs.  Charcoal flavors added a nice smoky depth to your character.  A buttery texture left my tongue feeling cared for and sensitive.  I appreciate the fact that your flavor was intense, but not bitter.  In your case, familiarity will not breed contempt; I look forward to waking up with you on a regular basis.

So fine,

Me

P.S. Try pairing up with grilled goat's cheese.