Friday, September 23, 2011

To Level 3 Seattle's Best

Level 3 Seattle's Best,

Way too simple for my liking.  I was able to pick up fruity and robust flavors, but you did not have near enough discretion.  You took my breath away in neutral manner.  Absolutely  nothing about you inspired me or lifted my spirits.  I appreciated your wine flavored aroma, but upon tasting you, I was left feeling astringent.  Despite your label, I did not find you balanced or smooth.  Perhaps when we meet again I shall have different thoughts about us.



P.S.  Try pairing up with Coldstone Creamery Sweet Cream ice cream.

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To Level 2 Seattle's Best

Level 2 Seattle's Best,

You were definitely more fresh and vibrant than your cousins.  There was something raw about your taste that both unsettled and inspired me.  Your aroma was soothing and brought back memories of yesteryear.  Even though our encounter was brief, I feel that I have understood the essence of you are.  Be brisk, my friend, and continue sharing your warmth with a dark-hearted world.

Go forth,


P.S.  Try pairing up with a creamsicle.

Friday, September 2, 2011

To Maxwell House

Maxwell House,

My dear, dear Max (I can call you Max, can't I?).  Communing with you was quite the challenge at first, but I gradually warmed up to your personality and flavor.  There was definitely nothing spectacular about you - medium roast, medium body, and medium taste - but I found myself being okay with such a regular coffee after only a short time.  Brewing you extra strength made me have a greater appreciation for your character.  Smooth, crisp, and cozy!  You tasted simply divine with a Klondike bar (which brought out your subtle cocoa tones).  Although I can't see myself falling deeply in love with you, I'm convinced that you're a nice, well-rounded individual.  Thanks for the good times, Max.

Keep it up,


P.S.  Try pairing up with an original Klondike bar.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

To Mocha Java Blend

Mocha Java Blend,

I was greeted with a pleasant licorice smell - not too strong, yet bold enough to make a statement.  You had too light of a body; there wasn't enough heaviness on my pallet.  You claimed to be exotic, but I found you overwhelmingly simple and mediocre.  Even though you had a balanced flavor, you were all over the place.  Your berry finish was somewhat enchanting.  I will definitely remember you - but not necessarily in a positive light.

So, so,


P.S. Try pairing up with stewed rhubarb sprinkled with sugar.

To Organic Cafe Cubano

Organic Cafe Cubano,

Very certain, very nice.  Your flavor exploded in every part of my mouth.  You were assertive and up-front about your personality, so I commend you on that!  At times, I tasted a chalky, abrasive flavor, but this was soon replaced by your overall refinement.  I have no doubt that you will go far in life with your full and courageous spirit.

No shame, no regrets


P.S.  Try pairing up with smoked salmon spread on saltine crackers.

Monday, August 15, 2011

To Tribute Blend

Tribute Blend,

You didn't have much aroma.  I had heard good things about you so I put aside your lack of smell and dove in head-first.  I was greeted with winey and berry flavors that lingered in my mouth.  You also had a distinct almond taste.  Overall, I was delighted with the complex, yet harmonious relationship between the four coffees that comprise your blend.  Your distinct personality was forceful yet sensitive to my pallet.  A great tribute to the Starbuck's roast.

Well done,


P.S.  Try pairing up with shelled hemp seeds.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

To Pacific Dark Roast

Pacific Dark Roast,

I definitely thought that you would be darker.  I do not intend to be mean, but I found you flaky and insecure.  There were some hints of a rich, intense flavor, but this was overshadowed by your incompatibilities in other areas.  Traces of yeast essence were evident, as well as herbal notes.  I was not terribly disappointed with your performance, rather I felt that you simply have some areas that need to be worked on.  Try bringing forth more of your flavor and heightening your overall body experience.  Live up to your name and break free of one-dimensionalism.

You can do it,


P.S.  Try pairing up with New England clam chowder soup.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

To: Caffe Verona

Caffe Verona

Ahhhh.  You both delighted and convicted me.  At first smell, I thought our relationship was doomed for destruction such as the star-crossed lovers found within your namesake.  I gradually took a liking to your distinct personality.  Your naturally sweet and creamy flavor was surprising; you had a calming affect on me that lasted well throughout the day.  I definitely have to be in the mood for you though - small doses are best.  I recommend you to anyone who enjoys a full-bodied coffee with depth and lots of love.

Yes, yes yes...


P.S.  Try pairing up with Lindt Lindor Milk Chocolate Truffle.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

To 100% Colombian

100% Colombian,

First of all, your smell was not really strong enough; it was rather timid.  Secondly, your body lacked even though the mouth-feel was okay.  After the initial spray, your taste felt right - a delicious sweet hickory that is characteristic of most Colombian beans - but I'm left wanting.  I was expecting more acidity due to your Latin American roots, but didn't find any distinct juicy flavors.  In the end, when I added cream and sugar, your taste almost completely went away.  It seems as if you can't stand up on your own.

I'll take the high road,


P.S.  Try pairing up with Monterey Jack Sun Chips.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

To Espresso Roast

Espresso Roast,

How truly amazing you are.  Thick.  Deep.  Real.  You contain a precious, rare flavor that made the moment sparkle, even if just for a few seconds.  My mouth felt laid back, relaxed, and a little sensual.  Who wouldn't love your caramel undertones and slightly burnt creaminess?  There was a faint whiff of spices, nuttiness, and other hedonistic pleasures that didn't disappoint the pallet.  I appreciate your smoothness and hearty density.  Bonus: you taste equally spectacular whether made in an espresso machine, French press, or regular drip coffee maker.

Viva la vida,


P.S.  Try pairing up with caramel wrapped marshmallows.  Scrumptious.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

To Vanilla


I must say that you were slightly different from some of the other flavored coffees that I've tried.  I expected a pungent, perfume-like brew, but your vanilla tones were subtle and thoughtful.  In fact, I was mesmerized by your silky texture and docile taste.  Although you didn't completely sell me on your overall character, our first experience together was indeed positive.  Improve on your body or roast, and then maybe we can talk.

Catch you on the flip side,


P.S. Try pairing up with a multi-grain bagel and plain cream cheese (low fat if you will).

To Tim Hortons

Tim Hortons,

A polite and somewhat flavorful (or should I say flavourful) coffee!  You were juicy and sympathetic to my needs, yet there seemed to be a critical aspect of your personality missing.  In fact, I couldn't stand spending much time with you alone.  In a group setting mixed with double cream and double sugar, your raggedness was atoned for.  You definitely taste better when brewed at home; when I tried you black in-store, you weren't all there.

Long live Canada,


P.S.  Try pairing up with a maple danish.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

To Hardy Passion

Hardy Passion,

You could easily become a summer lover.  Our meeting was so serendipitous, it must have been more than chance.  Your name brought forth memories of fervor, infatuation, and enduring obsession.  After taking a tentative sip, I was transported into a world of heartfelt simplicity characterized by soft affection.  There was absolutely no aggression.  I appreciated the way you let me get to know you without stipulations.  You have a slight acidity with smidgens of cocoa and floral flavors.  Although there was nothing distinct that set you apart, there was nothing that clearly desecrated your reputation.  All in all, a great experience; expect to hear from me again soon.


P.S.  Try pairing up with a Krispy Kreme Original Glazed.

Monday, July 18, 2011

To Breakfast Blend

Breakfast Blend,

Truthfully, I have never been a big fan of yours.  Too mild, too acidic, too light, and too weak.  In fact, in my ignorance and disgust, I turned away from you.  My mistake.  Recently, I had the privilege of trying you in a French press.  Oh my goodness!  Upon first taste, I couldn't tell it was you.  In fact, I guessed that it was one of your darker, richer peers.  I was wrong, but happy to be in err.  You were fuller and heavier than I remember; I guess that this can be attributed to your current maturity.  I could tell that you were trying your best to amaze me.   Your toned-down acidity and heavier mouth-feel left me appreciating your slight change of heart.

Here's to new things,


P.S.  Try pairing up with blackberry jam on toast.

To Jamaica Blue Mountain

Jamaica Blue Mountain,

Oh glorious splendor!  I have been anticipating your arrival for weeks and was so thrilled to finally be able to meet you.  So many people have been telling me wonderful things about your high-quality characteristics.  First of all, I was impressed with your luscious taste and tangy savor.  Next, when the juiciness faded away, it was appealing to encounter your complex hints of cocoa.  I enjoyed your complexity and the fact that you are very settled in your ways.  Obviously you are a coffee that has been perfected.  Although expensive, you are worth the wait and worth the time it took to find you.  Even though you're in high-demand, I hope that you will take the time to know me better.

Forever grateful,


P.S.  You really don't need to pair up with anything, but if you must, try a Godiva Orange Milk Chocolate Lollipop.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

To Organic Shade Grown Mexico

Organic Shade Grown Mexico,

You have such a fresh independence about you.  Even though you don't try to be different, you naturally come across as youthful and vivacious, yet wise beyond your years.  Others admire your compassion; I admire your carefree attitude that is grounded in strong mores.  I was very pleased to rekindle an old friendship with you today. You are definitely one of my favorites because your flavor, body, and roast reach a perfect harmony on my pallet. I was amazed at what a buoyant aftertaste that you have.  There's something beautifully transparent  that pulls me towards commitment.

I'll never be the same,


P.S.  Try pairing up with olive ciabatta and herb butter.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

To Vanilla Macadamia Nut

Vanilla Macadamia Nut,

You assaulted my senses with a tender, nutty smell.  Hints of vanilla brought back fond memories and left me feeling at ease.  I like the fact that I can taste your sweetness at the beginning, and then experience your depth at the end.  You have found a good balance between intricate flavor and subtle strength.  Although I could do without some of your dusty texture, I feel as if your pleasant lingering touch made up for the extra dry feeling.  I definitely couldn't take more than one cup a day, but you present me with a nice respite for more traditionally flavored coffees.

Hooray for you,


P.S. Try pairing up with pretzels dipped in Nutella.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

To Dunkin' Original Blend

Dunkin Original Blend,

You were so fake.  I was absolutely disgusted that you would even try to come across as genuine coffee.  Sure, you tried to comfort me and assure me, but I didn't feel safe.  In fact, because you tried so hard to be liked, I was more turned off by your flavor.  Even from the initial smell, I was disappointed.  Your taste has left me sad and discouraged.  Even your body was not what it should have been.

Good luck,


P.S.  Try pairing up with a stale donut (gag).

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

To Eight O'Clock Coffee 50% Decaf

Eight O'Clock Coffee 50% Decaf,

I cheated.  I didn't drink you at 8 o'clock.  Instead, I had you mid-afternoon with a light snack and a good book.   At first, I was taken aback by your intense moist mouth-feel and citrusity.  Needless to say, I was not prepared for our encounter.  It made my eyes water and my forehead perspire.  Disappointment ensued.  You tasted a little bit better with some food on the side, but I couldn't help but notice that your Tang flavor didn't do a thing for me.  At the end of the cup, I was surprised to find a pleasant aftertaste in my mouth.  Who would have thought?  Your satisfying finished made the whole experience rise to below average.

Not for me,


P.S.  Try pairing up with some Sensible Portions Veggie Chip Straws (and your favorite work of fiction).

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

To Level 4 Seattle's Best

Level Four Seattle's Best,

First of all, you tasted and acted very similar to your friend (Level 1 Seattle's Best). What the heck?  You were not dark enough to be a Level 4 and you had an extremely light body.  How confusing.  I wanted you to have a deeper and more mature taste, but you disappointed me. There was a seductive berry smell at the beginning, but it leaves me wanting more flavor.  I could call upon you when in trouble, but you should not advertise yourself as being bolder than you really are.  This leaves me questioning your intelligence.

It's not meant to be,


P.S. Try pairing up with raspberry pie.

Monday, June 27, 2011

To Level 1 Seattle's Best

Level One Seattle's Best,

You were bright and beautiful at first.  As soon as your piping hot liquid hit my pallet, I had a good feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It wasn't too long afterward, however, when I realized your immaturity.  Maybe a few years ago, I would have been smitten by you.  Now, however, I realize that a coffee like you isn't memorable.  I like how you can let me go, though.

I don't want you to stay,


P.S. Try pairing up with a Kellog's Eggo Real Fruit Pizza (Strawberry Granola).

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

To Black and Tan

Black and Tan,

Ooh la la.  Such a brawny smell and rustic look!  Your flavor was fluffy and light, fit for a princess.  Even though you sparkled in my mouth, I found you rather timid.  Coffees like you need a little extra time in the roaster in order to come out seasoned and ready for action.  I appreciate your brightness, but wanted more depth.  Maybe if the Roastmaster included more French Roast (dark) and less Mexico Chiapas (light), you would have turned out better suited for my taste.  Even though you attracted me from afar, you failed to capture my heart.  Sorry.

Better luck next time,


P.S.  Try pairing up with pancakes topped with extra syrup.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

To Decaf Organic French Roast

Decaf Organic French Roast,

Nice and sexy.  I’m told that your smoky flavor comes from being slowly roasted to perfection.  Although you claim to have a good balanced taste, I felt as if you mislead me.  You cannot tell people that you are dark and bold unless you honestly can deliver.  Personally, I found you too acidic, with not enough fullness.  You had too many inhibitions, with no chance of improvement in my opinion.

Give it up,


P.S. Try pairing up with roasted veggies.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

To Jack Daniel's

Jack Daniel's (Old No. 7 Brand),

Well, well, well.  I never thought that I would encounter a coffee that was hazy and lucid at the same time.  A contradiction?  An oxymoron?  You astounded me with your maturity and uncanny ability to meet a variety of my needs.  Charcoal flavors added a nice smoky depth to your character.  A buttery texture left my tongue feeling cared for and sensitive.  I appreciate the fact that your flavor was intense, but not bitter.  In your case, familiarity will not breed contempt; I look forward to waking up with you on a regular basis.

So fine,


P.S. Try pairing up with grilled goat's cheese.

Friday, June 17, 2011

To Illy Dark Roast

Illy Dark Roast,

You are strong and fresh!  I’m looking out for exciting times ahead.  Your earthy personality promises me herbal adventures to come.  I am shaken up by the mere anticipation of your robust taste.  What makes you so uninhibited?  What makes your flavor so entrenched?  You penetrated my taste buds to the core and I am not ashamed to let others know about our relationship.  Be prepared to meet the parents, I’m THAT serious.

Vigorous and valiant,


P.S. Try pairing up with dried mango slices

To Guatemala Valle Verde

Guatemala Valle Verde,

It was pleasantly surprising to breathe in such a floral, woodsy aroma.  My sense of smell was heightened and brought up to an ecstatic state.  Your taste was amiable but middle of the road.  You reminded me of a yuppie who’s not quite ready for a serious relationship.  Perhaps it was your calming affect that almost put me to sleep.  I’d gladly drink you before bed even though you’re not decaf.  All in all, my experience with you was sufficient, but you fell short on the whole.

Not quite yet,


P.S. Try pairing up with chips and guacamole

Sunday, June 12, 2011

To House Blend

House Blend,

So clean.  So bright.  So piquant.  You’re average, tidy, well-kept, and predictable.  Although there’s nothing special about you, I relish in your subtle tones.  Every time we meet, you are more flavorful than I remember.  It baffles me how you can get away with such a balanced, lovely nature without coming across as too boring. Early in the morning as the sun rises, I truly enjoy greeting the day with you in hand.  Though there’s nothing explosive about you, there’s nothing distasteful about you either.  If you’re not fresh, recently ground, and proportionately accurate, forget about it.  I have my limits.  Your reputation may not be the greatest, but I’m set on fixing that.

Stay Genuine,


P.S. Try pairing up with blueberries fresh from the patch!

Monday, May 30, 2011

To Cafe Estima Blend


Your gentle cocoa flavoring definitely made you rise above.  There was something velvety about your long aftertaste.  I appreciated both your depth and your savory fullness.  I feel that your true uniqueness, however, shines through your smoky refinement.  Through every taste, you are intent on making yourself known.  There's a dangerous sanctity to your personality, like you were born for greatness.  There were times where I longed for a more juicy feel, but I can settle for your graceful intensity.  I wouldn't recommend you for the faint at heart, yet avid drinkers would delight in your roasted pleasure.

Keep it coming,


P.S. Try pairing up with s'mores around the campfire.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

To Pike Place

Pike Place (NOT Pike's Place),

Our first encounter was pleasantly surprising.  I expected something much more tame, but you approached with enough authority and fascination.  There is something very natural and comforting about you.  I like the fact that we can hold hands and not talk for hours without it seeming awkward.  Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates this aspect of you.  Too much of a good thing has turned the masses away from your subtle, smooth notes and brisk flavor.  You've been stereotyped as boring and lame, yet this is far from your genuine nature.  I have to admit that I do tire of your personality because sometimes you feel good on the pallet but then nullify at the end.  This isn't to say that I can never commune with you again.  I just need to take my time, make my rounds, and find you when I need you.  

Let's stay friends,


P.S. Try pairing up with a Chocolove XOXO Toffee & Almonds milk chocolate bar.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

To Komodo Dragon

Komodo Dragon,

Mmmmm.  I absolutely adore the way you smell.  So manly and raw.  After taking a small sip, your intricate and husky flavor made me feel assaulted.  In the end I knew that everything was going to be okay.  I feel as if people have overestimated you and perhaps unjustly classified you as an arrogant boss.  There was something about you, though, that just woke up my taste buds.  There are some murky parts of the relationship that I'm unsure of, but I want you to know that I believe in you and want to continue exploring your more stable side.  I'm excited about experimenting and discovering new things together.  Don't be angry if I seem hesitant at first; I want to do this right and figure out exactly who you are.

Oh Yeah,


P.S. Try pairing up with a Cinnabon!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

To Ethiopia Sidamo

Ethiopia Sidamo,

I don’t know quite how to say this.  One would think that the birth place of coffee would result in an explicit and flavorful cup of steaming happiness.  Not so.  There was, in fact, a sense of gentleness about you but this fell flat immediately after swallowing.  The floral and lemon contrast left just enough zest without biting back.  Why, then, do I sense something synthetic about your nature?  It does not seem that you are exactly who you advertise to be.  "This coffee is both delicate and complex" may have been your aspiration; it is unwise for you to make this claim and not deliver.  Tell the truth.  Be who you are.  

I'll try again later,


P.S. Try pairing up with Bear Naked banana nut granola

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

To Christmas Blend

Christmas Blend (aka Holiday Blend),

Whoever created you knew what they were doing.  Your name alone invokes the happiness and comfort that the holidays bring.  I found you comforting as well, though in an unconventional way.  I feel that your taste is for veterans alone.  Only professionals could be able to pick out the clever nuances that reside deep within your surface.  You bring together the best of a variety of lands.  Although our first encounter was rushed, I was delighted upon subsequent meetings.  In fact, I chose you over all others to prove my own mastery of all things coffee.  In demonstrating my ability to others, I selected you to help me shine.  Thanks for coming through for me.  I’m sad that we can only see each other a few months of the year but confident in a good things that will remain a seasonal constant in my life.

Best Regards,


P.S. Try pairing up with brie cheese and ginger preserves.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

To Yukon


Needless to say, I had an interesting time with you.  In fact, I consider you one of the most well-rounded and fullest coffees that I know.  Believe me - I know a lot.  At first I was shocked, even surprised at your piquancy.  Now, I don’t know quite what to think.  When I experienced you alongside the smoothness of a pastry, I was rather delighted.  This feeling didn’t last long.  By yourself, I feel as if your individuality shines through too much.  Maybe if your work on your over zealous nature and seek the counsel of others, you will fair better.  Otherwise, I might just have to give out an inconspicuous warning to others.  Although you claim to be balanced, I tend to see otherwise.  Try to hold back substantially and then we can talk.

Until then,


P.S.  Try pairing up with a savory pastry containing sausage or cheese.

Sunday, May 8, 2011



I liked you more than I thought.  Your name kind of threw me off.  What were you thinking?  The color RED symbolizes passion and extravagance.  You, though, were refreshingly normal.  Not only do you pair well with others, but you are easy to handle and refined in an individual way.  I can’t complain.  The difference between your personality in a French press and regular drip was exponential.  Once I captured the embodiment of who you are, you won me over in a delicate way.  Subtly but surely, I became aware of your nuances.  It’s inspirational to know and celebrate your diversity and intricacies that define the very fabric of your nature.  Kudos for being consistent.  Kudos for being generous.  If I had my way, I’d see a lot more of you.  Here’s to a lifelong relationship.



P.S.  Try pairing up with vanilla sugar cookies.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

To Sulawesi


I must apologize.  I feel as if I might have put too much pressure on you to perform.  High expectations mean great disappointment.  Don’t get me wrong, I was enticed by your relaxed and calming nature, yet turned off at the same time.  What happened?  Was I too upfront and forward myself?  It felt as if you came on too strong and then refused to make any apologies.  *sigh*  No matter who is to blame, I respect you enough to let you go.  I’m not one to indulge hidden complexities.  Perhaps if you put as much energy into your smooth, charming nature as your taste, you would have fared okay in my mind.  Que sera, sera.

So be it,


P.S. Try pairing up with artichokes and garlic dipping butter

To French Roast

French Roast,

I don’t know quite what to think about you.  Even at first glance, you appeared to be the dark and mysterious one bent on winning me over.  Can I trust you?  You evoke such strong emotions, yet it still feels as if we’re a good fit.  There’s an astonishing normalcy when I taste you.  You come across overly confident, but the more of you I experience, the more I realize your heart.  Whereas others may be intimidated by your strength, I have chosen to dive right in.  Mixed emotions: on one hand I am titillated by your depth; on the other hand, I’m not sure I could put up with you every day.  What’s a girl to do?  For now, let’s enjoy the moment and work through the smoky complexities later.



P.S. Try pairing up with roasted nuts of any kind (salted).

To Kenya


My first love!  Has it truly been five years since our first encounter?  Even today, I taste you with fervor untainted by overuse.  I owe you so much.  Remember when you caught my attention so subtly?  I was scared – nervous at the prospect of a destructive commencement.  With no cream or sugar to alleviate your presence, I was skeptical at first and expected the worse.  Oh but the bliss of first meetings.  Your scent pulled me in beyond the point of no return.  Bold, yet smooth.  Strong, yet not offensive.  I must admit that I was taken aback.  Forgive me for my hesitancy, but you must realize that everything was new to me.  I was not one to make careless mistakes.  Now, however, I can experience you with abandonment, knowing full-well that love is blind.  Even an error on my part leaves me wanting more of the real thing.  And so, Kenya, I thank you.  Thank you for having a clean finish with no foul aftertaste to taint my pallet.  Thank you for your brightness and cleanliness.  Your citrus flavors are adored and valued beyond measure.  It does not surprise me that so many others have had such wonderful experiences with your aroma, taste, and body.  I implore you to remember me as one who has been exceedingly faithful despite countless competition that threatens to overwhelm.  You are mine.  I have personally claimed you as my own and set in you a special place in my heart.  Stay with me, my favorite one.

Forever Yours,


P.S. Try pairing up with anything citrusy (lemon pound cake, grapefruit, or key lime pie)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

To Coffee


I need you. I adore you.  Life is hard without you.  When I try to cope without you, I fail.  Please stay close at all times.