Wednesday, June 29, 2011

To Level 4 Seattle's Best

Level Four Seattle's Best,

First of all, you tasted and acted very similar to your friend (Level 1 Seattle's Best). What the heck?  You were not dark enough to be a Level 4 and you had an extremely light body.  How confusing.  I wanted you to have a deeper and more mature taste, but you disappointed me. There was a seductive berry smell at the beginning, but it leaves me wanting more flavor.  I could call upon you when in trouble, but you should not advertise yourself as being bolder than you really are.  This leaves me questioning your intelligence.

It's not meant to be,


P.S. Try pairing up with raspberry pie.

Monday, June 27, 2011

To Level 1 Seattle's Best

Level One Seattle's Best,

You were bright and beautiful at first.  As soon as your piping hot liquid hit my pallet, I had a good feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It wasn't too long afterward, however, when I realized your immaturity.  Maybe a few years ago, I would have been smitten by you.  Now, however, I realize that a coffee like you isn't memorable.  I like how you can let me go, though.

I don't want you to stay,


P.S. Try pairing up with a Kellog's Eggo Real Fruit Pizza (Strawberry Granola).

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

To Black and Tan

Black and Tan,

Ooh la la.  Such a brawny smell and rustic look!  Your flavor was fluffy and light, fit for a princess.  Even though you sparkled in my mouth, I found you rather timid.  Coffees like you need a little extra time in the roaster in order to come out seasoned and ready for action.  I appreciate your brightness, but wanted more depth.  Maybe if the Roastmaster included more French Roast (dark) and less Mexico Chiapas (light), you would have turned out better suited for my taste.  Even though you attracted me from afar, you failed to capture my heart.  Sorry.

Better luck next time,


P.S.  Try pairing up with pancakes topped with extra syrup.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

To Decaf Organic French Roast

Decaf Organic French Roast,

Nice and sexy.  I’m told that your smoky flavor comes from being slowly roasted to perfection.  Although you claim to have a good balanced taste, I felt as if you mislead me.  You cannot tell people that you are dark and bold unless you honestly can deliver.  Personally, I found you too acidic, with not enough fullness.  You had too many inhibitions, with no chance of improvement in my opinion.

Give it up,


P.S. Try pairing up with roasted veggies.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

To Jack Daniel's

Jack Daniel's (Old No. 7 Brand),

Well, well, well.  I never thought that I would encounter a coffee that was hazy and lucid at the same time.  A contradiction?  An oxymoron?  You astounded me with your maturity and uncanny ability to meet a variety of my needs.  Charcoal flavors added a nice smoky depth to your character.  A buttery texture left my tongue feeling cared for and sensitive.  I appreciate the fact that your flavor was intense, but not bitter.  In your case, familiarity will not breed contempt; I look forward to waking up with you on a regular basis.

So fine,


P.S. Try pairing up with grilled goat's cheese.

Friday, June 17, 2011

To Illy Dark Roast

Illy Dark Roast,

You are strong and fresh!  I’m looking out for exciting times ahead.  Your earthy personality promises me herbal adventures to come.  I am shaken up by the mere anticipation of your robust taste.  What makes you so uninhibited?  What makes your flavor so entrenched?  You penetrated my taste buds to the core and I am not ashamed to let others know about our relationship.  Be prepared to meet the parents, I’m THAT serious.

Vigorous and valiant,


P.S. Try pairing up with dried mango slices

To Guatemala Valle Verde

Guatemala Valle Verde,

It was pleasantly surprising to breathe in such a floral, woodsy aroma.  My sense of smell was heightened and brought up to an ecstatic state.  Your taste was amiable but middle of the road.  You reminded me of a yuppie who’s not quite ready for a serious relationship.  Perhaps it was your calming affect that almost put me to sleep.  I’d gladly drink you before bed even though you’re not decaf.  All in all, my experience with you was sufficient, but you fell short on the whole.

Not quite yet,


P.S. Try pairing up with chips and guacamole

Sunday, June 12, 2011

To House Blend

House Blend,

So clean.  So bright.  So piquant.  You’re average, tidy, well-kept, and predictable.  Although there’s nothing special about you, I relish in your subtle tones.  Every time we meet, you are more flavorful than I remember.  It baffles me how you can get away with such a balanced, lovely nature without coming across as too boring. Early in the morning as the sun rises, I truly enjoy greeting the day with you in hand.  Though there’s nothing explosive about you, there’s nothing distasteful about you either.  If you’re not fresh, recently ground, and proportionately accurate, forget about it.  I have my limits.  Your reputation may not be the greatest, but I’m set on fixing that.

Stay Genuine,


P.S. Try pairing up with blueberries fresh from the patch!