To Maxwell House

Maxwell House,

My dear, dear Max (I can call you Max, can't I?).  Communing with you was quite the challenge at first, but I gradually warmed up to your personality and flavor.  There was definitely nothing spectacular about you - medium roast, medium body, and medium taste - but I found myself being okay with such a regular coffee after only a short time.  Brewing you extra strength made me have a greater appreciation for your character.  Smooth, crisp, and cozy!  You tasted simply divine with a Klondike bar (which brought out your subtle cocoa tones).  Although I can't see myself falling deeply in love with you, I'm convinced that you're a nice, well-rounded individual.  Thanks for the good times, Max.

Keep it up,

Me

P.S.  Try pairing up with an original Klondike bar.

To Mocha Java Blend

Mocha Java Blend,

I was greeted with a pleasant licorice smell - not too strong, yet bold enough to make a statement.  You had too light of a body; there wasn't enough heaviness on my pallet.  You claimed to be exotic, but I found you overwhelmingly simple and mediocre.  Even though you had a balanced flavor, you were all over the place.  Your berry finish was somewhat enchanting.  I will definitely remember you - but not necessarily in a positive light.

So, so,

Me

P.S. Try pairing up with stewed rhubarb sprinkled with sugar.

To Dunkin' Original Blend

Dunkin Original Blend,

You were so fake.  I was absolutely disgusted that you would even try to come across as genuine coffee.  Sure, you tried to comfort me and assure me, but I didn't feel safe.  In fact, because you tried so hard to be liked, I was more turned off by your flavor.  Even from the initial smell, I was disappointed.  Your taste has left me sad and discouraged.  Even your body was not what it should have been.

Good luck,

Me

P.S.  Try pairing up with a stale donut (gag).

To Jack Daniel's

Jack Daniel's (Old No. 7 Brand),

Well, well, well.  I never thought that I would encounter a coffee that was hazy and lucid at the same time.  A contradiction?  An oxymoron?  You astounded me with your maturity and uncanny ability to meet a variety of my needs.  Charcoal flavors added a nice smoky depth to your character.  A buttery texture left my tongue feeling cared for and sensitive.  I appreciate the fact that your flavor was intense, but not bitter.  In your case, familiarity will not breed contempt; I look forward to waking up with you on a regular basis.

So fine,

Me

P.S. Try pairing up with grilled goat's cheese.

To House Blend

House Blend,

So clean.  So bright.  So piquant.  You’re average, tidy, well-kept, and predictable.  Although there’s nothing special about you, I relish in your subtle tones.  Every time we meet, you are more flavorful than I remember.  It baffles me how you can get away with such a balanced, lovely nature without coming across as too boring. Early in the morning as the sun rises, I truly enjoy greeting the day with you in hand.  Though there’s nothing explosive about you, there’s nothing distasteful about you either.  If you’re not fresh, recently ground, and proportionately accurate, forget about it.  I have my limits.  Your reputation may not be the greatest, but I’m set on fixing that.

Stay Genuine,

Me

P.S. Try pairing up with blueberries fresh from the patch!

To Pike Place

Pike Place (NOT Pike's Place),

Our first encounter was pleasantly surprising.  I expected something much more tame, but you approached with enough authority and fascination.  There is something very natural and comforting about you.  I like the fact that we can hold hands and not talk for hours without it seeming awkward.  Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates this aspect of you.  Too much of a good thing has turned the masses away from your subtle, smooth notes and brisk flavor.  You've been stereotyped as boring and lame, yet this is far from your genuine nature.  I have to admit that I do tire of your personality because sometimes you feel good on the pallet but then nullify at the end.  This isn't to say that I can never commune with you again.  I just need to take my time, make my rounds, and find you when I need you.  

Let's stay friends,

Me

P.S. Try pairing up with a Chocolove XOXO Toffee & Almonds milk chocolate bar.

To (STARBUCKS) RED Blend

(STARBUCKS)RED Blend,

I liked you more than I thought.  Your name kind of threw me off.  What were you thinking?  The color RED symbolizes passion and extravagance.  You, though, were refreshingly normal.  Not only do you pair well with others, but you are easy to handle and refined in an individual way.  I can’t complain.  The difference between your personality in a French press and regular drip was exponential.  Once I captured the embodiment of who you are, you won me over in a delicate way.  Subtly but surely, I became aware of your nuances.  It’s inspirational to know and celebrate your diversity and intricacies that define the very fabric of your nature.  Kudos for being consistent.  Kudos for being generous.  If I had my way, I’d see a lot more of you.  Here’s to a lifelong relationship.

Cheers,

Me

P.S.  Try pairing up with vanilla sugar cookies.