To Pacific Dark Roast

Pacific Dark Roast,

I definitely thought that you would be darker.  I do not intend to be mean, but I found you flaky and insecure.  There were some hints of a rich, intense flavor, but this was overshadowed by your incompatibilities in other areas.  Traces of yeast essence were evident, as well as herbal notes.  I was not terribly disappointed with your performance, rather I felt that you simply have some areas that need to be worked on.  Try bringing forth more of your flavor and heightening your overall body experience.  Live up to your name and break free of one-dimensionalism.

You can do it,

Me

P.S.  Try pairing up with New England clam chowder soup.

To Espresso Roast

Espresso Roast,

How truly amazing you are.  Thick.  Deep.  Real.  You contain a precious, rare flavor that made the moment sparkle, even if just for a few seconds.  My mouth felt laid back, relaxed, and a little sensual.  Who wouldn't love your caramel undertones and slightly burnt creaminess?  There was a faint whiff of spices, nuttiness, and other hedonistic pleasures that didn't disappoint the pallet.  I appreciate your smoothness and hearty density.  Bonus: you taste equally spectacular whether made in an espresso machine, French press, or regular drip coffee maker.

Viva la vida,

Me

P.S.  Try pairing up with caramel wrapped marshmallows.  Scrumptious.

To Komodo Dragon

Komodo Dragon,

Mmmmm.  I absolutely adore the way you smell.  So manly and raw.  After taking a small sip, your intricate and husky flavor made me feel assaulted.  In the end I knew that everything was going to be okay.  I feel as if people have overestimated you and perhaps unjustly classified you as an arrogant boss.  There was something about you, though, that just woke up my taste buds.  There are some murky parts of the relationship that I'm unsure of, but I want you to know that I believe in you and want to continue exploring your more stable side.  I'm excited about experimenting and discovering new things together.  Don't be angry if I seem hesitant at first; I want to do this right and figure out exactly who you are.

Oh Yeah,

Me

P.S. Try pairing up with a Cinnabon!

To Sulawesi

Sulawesi,

I must apologize.  I feel as if I might have put too much pressure on you to perform.  High expectations mean great disappointment.  Don’t get me wrong, I was enticed by your relaxed and calming nature, yet turned off at the same time.  What happened?  Was I too upfront and forward myself?  It felt as if you came on too strong and then refused to make any apologies.  *sigh*  No matter who is to blame, I respect you enough to let you go.  I’m not one to indulge hidden complexities.  Perhaps if you put as much energy into your smooth, charming nature as your taste, you would have fared okay in my mind.  Que sera, sera.

So be it,

Me

P.S. Try pairing up with artichokes and garlic dipping butter